Crying crying crying crying

Breaking down and crying is becoming an artform for me.  I'm not being melodramatic here but I'm being honest - this is what this blog is all about. I'm saying things here I could never even say to my mother. Revealing how desperate I'm feeling about everything. The dream I've had for over 2 decades is fading away and there's not a lot I can do about it. I've got the skills and experience to kick ass in any newsroom but no-one is interested right now.

It was another tough morning. I played with my iPhone in bed, catching on the morning's news headlines. Even tuned in to The Today programme - listening to the British verdict on Obama's State of the Nation address. I half thought I should stay in bed, warm and safe, under the duvet all day so I didnt have to get on with things. But that meant DWELLING. My mind would dwell and that ain't good.

So I DID get up, and I sat at my desk, and got into the daily ritual. I trawled all the usual websites for news of any job openings. I saw one, which I KNOW I can do but means I'd have to move 150 miles to do it!

This afternoon's been productive - despite ducking out of a couple of events I should have attended today. I galvanised a few more TV programme ideas, emailed them off, rang a couple of production companies and asked them who I should send my details too. Half of me is hopeful, the other half hopeless.

You see the British TV game is thus - if you're either slim, blonde, with big tits and stunning and you're instantly given a chance on screen, despite the fact your diction might be awful and you don't really know what you're talking about on screen. If you're like me a medium frame, gorgeous, dark-skinned black women, I don't even get replies from people  - despite my journalism prowess, British TV don't want black people fronting shows. Any show. Not one. Unless that is you look 'exotic'. By 'exotic' I mean, can't quite tell where you're from, e.g. fair-skinned, mixed heritage, curly-hair that's been straightened. I ain't hating here cos my son or daughter will be of dual heritage. Just saying. Those are the rules. I know. I have to live by them.

I became a journalist to gain authority and credibility - in the time I've been doing that the glamour models, porn stars, weather girls, singers, actresses, comediennes and sportswomen have become the NEW TV stars. The more lightweight you are, it seems the more glamourous and appealing for TV. Intelligent is mediocre, especially if it's black and intelligent. And I'm not talking Stephen Fry proportions of intelligent  - you should KNOW that from me by now.

I bet there's a whole ton of women out there who agree with me.