Holy CRAP

OK so money is trickling in slowly - one Standing Order has already bounced. How embarrasing that I'll have to send a chq for my big £14 to my Opticians cos the SO failed as I only had £5.96 in my account....now my bank will charge me £30 for the privilege of bouncing it! Sick or WHAT?

So I've just had a bill for £280 for winter's electricity. Bricking it :-(

My International Women's Day=Melancholy Day for me

Why is it when you get back from holiday you feel like crap? I should be thanking my lucky stars that I haven't had to start eating my own cat's Wild Ocean Fish-flavoured Iams for sustinence cos I've finally managed to get some work trickling in to buy food again. My face is like crap - full of spots. My mates who I saw at the weekend said it's a combination of stress, alongside way too much alcohol and not enough water. So this afternoon, after I've popped out and done me chores, I'm hitting the bottle of Buxton.

I had to chase a supplier for payment - they paid over 2 weeks late - but they're a charity so can't knock em. Shame though cos it makes me wary about working with charities again. And makes me feel bad that in feeling that, I am not sympathetic or appreciative about that charity's achievements. Just cos they don't have much cash shouldn't mean their systems should be sh*t right?!?

So I'm beginning to think that Him Upstairs was punishing me by making me eat dirt and get proper depressed so I would appreciate the work more when it eventually rolled in. The two weeks have been hectic with 3 paying jobs, and the next 2 weeks I've got another 3 paying jobs - all corporate TV stuff ( no more broadcast just yet) which will bring me in about £3,500. Great, you say but it's modest cos that ain't coming in every day or every week, it's intermittent. So makes up for the fact I earned BIG FAT ZERO for January and February this year. I'm very happy that those 2 dreadful months have been consigned to the trash forever cos I never want to scrounge again.

So today is melancholy. Glad I've got work, but feeling very down about something. I feel the need to be recognised for what I do, but there are other people shouting louder than me all day every day. What should I do?

Chink

Every heard of Archangel Gabriel - well look him up. He brought me a chink of light today - I went for a casting for a job - I was the only local person who bothered to turn up to see the producers of a corporate video! I read a bit of script for them and 2 hours later they emailed to say I'd be perfect for the job and they want to hire me.

Ups and downs - had a few - 'oh we're weighing you up against 3 other people and we'll let you know' kind of calls but nothing firm. I'm chasing a £250 cheque that's overdue for payment too! While last week I went down to having a grand total of £2.30 in my bank account. No, REALLY! £2.50

And I got a parking ticket last week - I genuinely thought it was free to park :-(

Things seem to be looking up
Praise be to GOD.

Wine-ology

The red wine is a-warming, my king-size, half-price, saturated-fat filled, fresh (yes, FRESH, my people) supermarket Pepperoni Pizza is a-waiting, the oven is a-heating up. Yes, folks Friday night is here. It's also 'Home Alone' time, which means drowning me sorrows time.  If there's one good reason why I KNOW I'll never make it back onto primetime telly is cos I'm 'FAT' (in TV circles anyway) I'm not a Size 6, 8, 10, 12 or 14. So in fact, I'm ENORMOUS,. Couple that with being 'dark-skinned' and not even vaguely 'exotic' looking and it's clear that my career is washed up.

Yes I know the wine and the pizza doesn't exactly help but it's all comfort food, innit? Shout me down if you like but I've done the whole 'Hire a Personal Trainer and eat lettuce leaves until your stomach wants to have you arrested for severe neglect' thing.... and it AINT pretty, OK? Just leaves you gagging for a flipping KFC after every training session. And there's one on every flipping street corner so there's NO chance.

I got offered some holiday cover work today - could be one shift a month, then it could be 4 double-shifts in a week....I wont hold my breath but it's also nice to hear that my skills & experience are valued and that they did want to use me....

Beggars, eh?

Loser

I'm so desperate, I wasted money on one of my old demons. I got that rush again. Of betting and imagining what I was going to do with the winnings before I'd even played the game. Sh*t really. £50 down the pan that I could have spent on food. I'm such a loser.

PS If you hate the self-pity, then go find yourself another blog to read

P*ssed

I'm liking my drink too much. I guess the cheap price of booze, having a brilliant offie with a dangerous selection of smooth, deep New World reds 5 mins up the road away, being out of work and being depressed are a lethal combination. Not even feeling poorly stops me. No wonder my skin#s f***ed.

I been musing about going to see the doctors. I can hear the conversation now

Doc - So what seems to be the problem?
Me - My skin has been having a constant outbreak of spots for the last 3 months
Doc - Are you under any stress at all
Me - Well I just paid the Tax Man my life savings, I'm broke as f*ck and there's no sign of any meaningful, regular work on the horizon
Doc - Ahh, I see. Have you changed your diet or skin care regime lately?
Me - Well if you mean, have I been stuffing more satured fatty foods down my neck, not exercising and downing my weekly allowance of alcholic units every night solid for the last 3 months - then NO not really
Doc - Ok well here's a prescription for enough Tamezpan to fry your brains for 6 months - in the unlikely event you want to get a repeat prescription, speak to the General Medical Council. Goodbye.

You get the picture :-/
I'm talking to God much more now - I'm hoping he can help me out.

Broke as f***

It's been a while. I've been ill. Not just sick of being out of work but physically sick. In fact someone is trying to strangle me. Nope, NOT paranoid delusions, just the cold I've got is all up in my head and is constricting my throat. Fed up.

I got an interview with a college to do some part-time hours of lecturing. Left my sick bed, travelled the 60 or so miles (am I obsessed with mileage? maybe I am) to the job interview, had to do a fake teaching session (!) and interview in front of 3 men. Got home and promptly threw up cos the cold licked my chest so hard, I took to my bed the whole night.

So they offered me the job today - they gotta check I dont mess around with kids, and to this day I dont know how many hours they will need me to do, how much they will pay me. Do I sound ungrateful? I was desperate when I applied  - no change since but I'm disappointed cos I'm not dead yet. Teaching is what i thought I might be doing once I'd had a couple of kids, say 6 years down the line. Not NOW when I'm in my media prime. But desperation wins. Hands down.

That guy from the radio job never returned my calls - WTF is going on in this world. Is it wise to drive 250 miles for £350? Not bad, is it really - doing that next week for a little job, praise the almighty lord.

I applied for 4 other jobs as well  - all of them at least 100 miles away from my home.

I got a killer programme idea though - just gotta get hold of the chick it centres around - easier said than done but I'm going to fight, fight, fight, fight, fight for this idea (damn Cheryl Cole)